MixedThink: Bipolar Health and Other Issues

Handling bipolar off meds ..2yrs along, and still on the train

2010-01-27T00:02:00.008+09:00

Well. On occasion I have come back to this site to see if I had an urge to pick it up again. That perfect urge never hit, just as the perfect timing to work on anything I'm procrastinating on has never hit...

But if I've learned anything these last couple of years, it's that you can't just keep putting everything off in anticipation of a perfect time. In some words of wise advice I heard recently, it's like waiting for an almighty express train to one day show up and meanwhile letting all the local ones pass you by. If you'd just get on a train, you will arrive at your destination--but instead you find yourself stuck on the platform, irritated, worried, waiting some more.

I like to add to that.. a thought that reminded me of something Nietzsche once said (although I'll save that for another day).

I'll add to that--besides: you never know when you'll change directions. And if you don't move, you can't change, nor can you actually explore your options. You often won't know which stops you'll want to change trains at, or when you'll find a sudden reason to get off and explore a particular neighborhood.. until you're at least on board.

Anyway, it occurred to me that I should start this up again.
And why not.

Dammit, Manic.

2008-05-22T01:32:00.001+09:00

aahhHH i can't slow down!!! where are the brakes when you need em

Manic, dammit.

2008-05-22T00:10:00.004+09:00

uhh I might be kind of manic right now. Can't sleep, can't stop working, can't stop getting back in touch w people, sending emails etc... I'm mAking myself take breaks by watching a DVD or reading a book for chunks of time when i start whirling away, but I keep finding myself moving back towards work-oriented reading. International taxation, legal matters, bla bla bla. I want to rest my brain...

And now I'm here writing, wondering if I'm gonna find myself going a bit overboard or not. This may in fact be my first hypomanic episode since I've stopped taking meds. I suppose it's been quite a while, which might be indicative that the meds tipped me up out of depression directly into hypo/mania more often than it needed to. Or it could just be that my cycle is changing. Or.. whatever.. it doesn't really matter, as long as I can stablize this.

I've avoided stimulants over the last couple of wks as much as possible. Kind of felt that they wouldn't be good for me in this state (though yes, yes, they're not good for me anyway). I felt kind of restless, uneasy, unstable.. and now I do feel a bit hyped up as if I'd hug strangers in the street but feel really weird about it afterwards. Dammit. And I thought -- or hoped -- that maybe this bipolar stuff just maybe, maybe, was meds-induced. Turns out my old doc had made a correct prognosis after all. I guess I knew that was the case, but had a few months to hope otherwise.

My thoughts are spewing out on paper in splatters and globs.

Chill, M., chiiilll... relax... sleep...

What Depression Is.

2008-05-15T00:46:00.004+09:00

I found some writing from way back when. Thought I would share. Because, well, why not.
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My brain is turning on so many things – not all of them pleasant, mind you – but it is so much better than it turning on nothing, or even worse, it turning on turning on nothing.

I suppose the best way of explaining both a manic and/or depressive episode is by comparing it to a swirling pen. A pen to paper that just draws circles and shapes and continues to do so until the scribbles overlap and blend into a blotchy mess of deeply sunken ink as unidentifiable (or un-understandable) as a black hole with its immense gravity just sucking in brain matter from every which way.

On some occasions, you find yourself going over one single topic so many, many times in your head that whatever portion of your brain is responsible for rational thinking just fades away in the distance. At these times, you might finally conclude that you’ve got it figured out, or you might console (or berate) yourself with the full-fledged belief in the idea that you have covered the topic from every possible angle. Then tomorrow perhaps you pick up where you left off, and continue to think incessantly about that single topic some more.

And this, of course, is only the case if you are lucky enough to get to sleep or take a short break from the obsessive thought in the first place. Sometimes you really just can’t, and you stay on that same channel of loud, drowning and obnoxious static noise for what seems longer than a lifetime.

Sometimes it follows you into your dreams, and even in sleep you remain as possessed as when you were awake. Now this is when it’s really hell.

At its worst, this is what depression feels like. Actually, scratch that.

This is what depression is.

And wait: we haven’t even gotten to the kicker yet. The real kicker – what makes this mental state so detrimental and potentially dangerous to your very being – is that during all that time you spent churning over this idea, you were going over it in the exact same way. Like a robot. A single thought was played over and over in your head like a broken record.

You know that conclusion you thought you came up with? You were wrong. Your verdict, your surety was not based on any real contemplation at all. Because you already “knew” or rather decided on the answer before you even started. Nothing would have changed your mind. Because frankly speaking, you had only looked at the problem from one single, measly, obsessively and fundamentally limited angle.

It is a sick trick that our brains play upon us. It fools us. And we believe what it is telling us with all our might. We become so involved and possessed by these thoughts that are so undeniably biased towards negativity. We could not possibly be pulled away from that force. At no point could we step back, when we desperately needed to, to see that which in normal circumstances should and could be plainly understood; your brain has been digging itself rigorously into a hole getting deeper by the second. Repetition, repetition, repetition.

Mood a bit wobbly today

2008-05-01T04:15:00.002+09:00

Life is good, generally speaking. Everything seems to be going pretty well. Right now though, I feel some slight fear, sadness, cloudiness... I'm not sure why. Been having bad dreams that bug me a bit. I am off to sleep again now, in fact. Need to get some rest before I have to be somewhere an hour and a half away tomorrow. I guess I just felt like saying this to someone. That I'm scared and sad. But I will be okay. Well, good night.

I Quit Cigarettes and Meds- and it's helping, I think.

2008-03-13T04:18:00.007+09:00

I suppose my taking long breaks from this blog is kind of like my procrastination on other projects. I want to add something helpful, to say something profound... so I put this off, figuring I'll write something perfect someday... but if I keep waiting and waiting until the time 'feels right' I might be waiting forever... So never mind. I will just write.

I am still prescription drug free. Still off the anti-depressants and things like that. Been a couple of months. I plan to stay off of them as well. It's not like I am any more in control of my life exactly, but I do feel more free. I know that if I ever get back to my worst I will see a doctor without a doubt, but right now... I think I can handle it.

There are lots of issues in my life at the moment that I am trying to figure out how to deal with. But I think I will be able to deal with them. It won't be easy. Not at all. And I still often do want to drown out the issues and accompanying thoughts with booze or drugs or something else... but I'm also tired of letting issues just sit there as they have, festering away and staining the rug for years on end (if that makes any sense at all... that's just how I visualize it). I don't want to push it all away with substances anymore - prescription or otherwise - so I can pretend everything is fine and that I don't care. I have feelings because I am human, and that is okay. And my emotions do have reason.

On another positive note, It has also been 4 months or so since I quit cigs. Not bad huh? I am happy about that. I smoked because it gave me a break of sorts, was a kind of reward to myself, and it just gave me something to ingest, to fill my lungs with. That might sound weird, but I liked the way it would sting just enough to make me feel it was dOing something. Hard to explain. I still miss having that something to turn to on occasion, but I don't miss cigarettes tooo much. Sometimes I do. But mostly I'm happy to not want that 'something' to give me a quick jolt as much as I used to. I no longer get antsy at such regular intervals, which is great. Some entire days are still heavy with difficult thoughts, but I haven't needed to use cigarettes as a way to split my mind and ease concentration on a single topic. Nicotine really is bad for you if you're trying to get control over your mental state. The craving for a puff, however small, affects a person mentally as well as physically. I realize now it affected me more than I should really have let it, considering I have enough chemical instability to deal with as is.

Anyway.
Nothing profound to say today. Just an update. And a couple of paragraphs in which I allow myself to be proud of what I've accomplished. A good thing I suppose, considering many days I feel like I've accomplished nothing at all...

Natural mood booster: Old nostalgia radio

2008-01-25T03:13:00.000+09:00

Dealing with a bipolar mind basically comes down to this: stabilizing your moods (ie. aim for being happy but not manic). Also add in the importance of taking care of your health (sleep, exercise, nutrition, sun, and good healthy relationships), because that plays a big part in managing your moods and vice versa.

Since I've recently (accidentally?) stopped taking all of those uppers and downers and sideway-ers in my pill regimen except for a little bit of the SSRI i've been tapering off of, I've been paying particular attention to ways I can keep myself happy and in tune with myself and the world naturally. One thing I've come across recently is the amazing array of old radio shows you can find and listen to on the Internet for free. I just had to share this with you all- this discovery is too good to keep to myself!

If you run a search for "old nostalgia radio" you'll be directed to a bunch of good sites for these lovely old shows, but to speed things up a little I'll just share one with you that I've really been enjoying as of late:

--> OldTimeRadioNostalgia.Podomatic.com

I personally have been listening to Father Knows Best, which apparently began on the radio as the "beloved family show that both parents and kids loved in the 1940s" -- it only later became a favorite on TV (before I read this, I only knew of it as the TV show.) Described as a "funny situation comedy", they start off with the audition program (the pilot) aired on October 20, 1948 complete with a live in-studio audience which makes it all the more enjoyable. It even has those old spoken commercials that just make me smile.

On this site, you can also listen to tales from Mystery Theatre, The Lone Ranger, Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie, Dick Tracy... lots of fun old stuff that has me conjuring up images of home life with families gathering around the radio before the TV and Internet eras settled in to our lives. I like to turn off the lights and dim my computer screen before closing my eyes to just let the old radio sounds fill up my room with warmth at bedtime. But I bet this would be just as wonderful to listen to at any time during the day or evening, whether while tidying up the apartment, paying some bills, or when just sitting back comfortably to knit or something nice (as my Grandma used to) with your hot cup of tea.

Anyway, since this has me feeling warm and fuzzy, just thought I'd share the love.
Enjoy!

Happy 2008.

2008-01-19T04:44:00.000+09:00

Well, it's been a month or so since I last wrote. Doesn't mean I haven't been checking back here, planning to write... because I have. I just didn't really feel like writing. Not that I've been depressed or anything. Or manic, really, either. Maybe a little of one or the other at times but generally I've been okay. Had a good holiday season with family and friends, and I have been keeping busy recently with moving house. Moving nearer to the beach. Leaving the city to be by nature. Kind of. That will be the result, anyway, regardless of the many reasons behind the move.

I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a while. Long story... And meanwhile I stopped taking everything other than Zoloft (because I ran out of all the other meds two weeks ago). So far I seem to be doing fine. Which is great! Even a meager week or two off of prescription sleep aids made it so that my body no longer expected to be pilled to sleep, and I am actually managing to get some real, non-drug induced sleep. I like it.

I'm still not falling asleep instantly and waking refreshed to bluebirds chirping outside my window, mind you, but I must say- not bad. I purchased my first audio book at audible.com , which I turned to for a few nights. Recently I have simply been reading myself to sleep. I'm reading a nice, long, educational biography. Keeps me learning and interested in turning the page, while also making it completely impossible for me to even attempt to finish it in a single sitting. I'm a big big Abe Lincoln fan, and if you're looking for a great book, I highly recommend this one.

Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln
by Doris Kearns Goodwin

Perhaps I'll write more about the book some other time.
Anyway. Do let me know if any of those sleep solutions helped you guys out. Meanwhile, a happy 2008 to you all.

Sleep solutions. More relaxation music that works

2007-12-18T03:38:00.001+09:00

Well. It's been a while since my last post. A lot has been going on, and I've been on both ends of a few rapid cycles since I last wrote, but I can't really be bothered to rehash. Might as well note, though, that yes- I was tipping into mania when I wrote that last post. Quite noticeably. But I guess it's alright, since I'm still here now and doing okay.

Sooo anyway, a couple of posts ago I wrote about Sounds to help you sleep, pointing out some websites that I've found to be helpful in that regard. And using Sitemeter (a simple, free gadget I'd recommend to anyone just venturing into websites or blogging) I noticed that I actually dO have a precious few people checking out my half-assed attempt at a blog! About half of the entry points are from Google searches for sleep sounds, solutions, bipolar + sleep, or some other such combination of search terms.

It definitely is an issue plaguing a big ol' bunch of us, eh?
There are a few things I could add at this point, but tonight I am just going to note one more helpful site:

www.shuteye.com --> Soothing voice lulls you softly into slumber with progressive muscle relaxation and mental relaxation techniques.

*** More specifically: www.shuteye.com/sleep-solutions/relaxation-techniques.aspx

I would recommend trying both of these techniques. They really do work wonders for relaxation. Might even be helpful during those episodes of agitation, and not just for sleep purposes. It follows that plan that we always aim for, that people tell us to follow- that whole "Just stop your brain from thinking so much, and you'll fall asleep!" idea... but actually made doable with a little audio help. The soft voice is accompanied by lovely background music, and her words carry your mind away from your day's thoughts to a pleasant, cushioned resting place just for you. There is an additional 20 minute clip of relaxation music you can listen to after you've tried the mind and body relaxation exercises and it is quite beautiful as well.

I am listening to the music now, and I think it is working its magic already.
Good night. :)

----- Current Medication and Mood-Meter Reading -----
Am back off the 'emergency' Zyprexa (and am consequently feeling much better, or more "me" again). Still taking Zoloft in the mornings, a Klonopin in the evening, but now just half a prescription sleeping pill if I can't sleep at bedtime. Yes, most of the time I do take that half-pill. After a few wild emotional pendulum swings during the last month or two, I think I am currently feeling relatively comfortable and stable.
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Party-tipping into Hypomania? (such relief! but ok, I should be careful)

2007-11-01T20:27:00.000+09:00

Partied like there was no tomorrow last night. In the late afternoon, the little halloween kiddies were parading by saying "trick-or-treat!" as politely as they could. Gave out candies, relived my childhood for a couple of hours, then later ended up going out for some drinks with mates. There was a big bar relaunch/opening my friend invited us to, and it turned out another friend was DJ-ing at a Halloween party at another club. Felt quite VIP making the rounds! The night went on much longer than I had expected it to (was honestly planning to be home by 10pm), leading on to karaoke, then a sheesha bar, then another friend's bar/club... Staying out so late probably wasn't the healthiest thing to do, but I did have a good time. Met lots of new people, made some business connections and hung out with old friends too, bringing some nostalgia into the mix.

This morning (yes I was out late) was the first time in a long time that I fell asleep without the help of any pills. So my question to myself right now is- am I slightly manic right now, and should I be watchful of that? I could sleep, but perhaps I was just exhausted from the excessive partying. I do need some more sleep tonight and am looking forward to that, but I've been feeling surprisingly pleasant today despite the large amount of alcohol I consumed throughout the course of the night. A little dehydrated, but that is the extent of my hangover. I was out the night before as well with old bosses, clients and workmates, and was also out on Saturday for two big Halloween parties...

Either I have so enjoyed spending time with my friends that I'm just feeling healthier and better, or I could be teetering into Hypomanic Zone. I suppose I should be wary of that. I am so sO glad not to be feeling like a turd on a stick anymore, but I could easily crash and burn if I don't take it easy so--- Yes, I should be watchful is the answer to my own question. Regardless of whether I'm a bit manic or not. But still. Thank goodness I don't feel like a Munch painting today... Was very much in need of a break.

Sounds to Help you Sleep... some websites I like

2007-10-29T01:38:00.000+09:00

My goodness, the bipolar mind can really spin itself into a frenzy sometimes, eh? (reviewing my last entry...)

Anyway, today I just wanted to mention a couple of helpful and natural tools I have found here on the Internet for those dreaded sleepless nights. I am curious as to what others find useful for getting to sleep, but I suppose I should wait on opening that Q up for discussion til (if/when) I have more readers. :)

These three sites have helped me on occasion:

1) www.librivox.org --> Have someone read a story to you until you nod off into dreamland.
Perhaps it is a comfort based on nostalgia, but this has helped me sometimes. Volunteers reading aloud works in the public domain. Here you can find some old goodies from childhood to get your imagination painting pictures like they used to, with stories such as The Secret Garden or The Wind in the Willows. You can find works by Dostoyevsky, Hemingway, Flaubert, Tolstoy, or if you prefer, de Tocqueville, Thoreau, Machiavelli, Kant, Nietzsche... or you can even find Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, or audio versions of amendments to The Constitution. Plenty of everything for whatever floats your boat, and for whatever you're in the mood for that day.

2) www.live365.com --> Internet Radio.
There are some soothing music channels on this site that can aid in relaxation. Channels such as Healing and Relaxation, Meditation Music, or Econocast with nature sounds... pretty new-agey, I know, and not of my usual music genres but these can help nonetheless. Of course, this site also has loads of channels encompassing almost every other type of music you can imagine, so there is a lot of mood-boosting to be found here.

3) www.soundsleeping.com --> "Relaxing music, sleep aids, anxiety reduction, relaxation tools"
Here you can find an array of sleep-inducing music to download as well -- including music with 'delta waves' (slow, low frequency waves which apparently correspond with your brain's deep sleep mode). There's a cool tool here with separate volume and pan knobs with which you can, for example, listen to birds chirping quietly over the lulling sound of a babbling creek. Or crickets with rain. Or windchimes and the ocean. Or you can sit back and close your eyes to just the crackling of a bonfire, which I personally like to do from time to time (although I'd prefer the real thing...!).

Hope these help!

A Wheel Spinning Without a Reason

2007-10-27T02:18:00.000+09:00

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if…
…what? I don’t know how I would finish that sentence, but I do know that the beginning of that sentence churns around in my head more often than I’d like it to. It is a question without a question. Not a statement, not a query – it is nothing more than the beginning of… what?

I don’t think I would live life any differently if I were to go through it again, despite the uncomfortable and trying periods I have been through. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Not to say that life is currently perfect, nor do I expect it to be, but it could have been a lot worse. And that is not the only reason I believe I would follow the same paths that brought me here if I were given the choice again.

I don’t know. I don’t know what I am asking, I don’t know what I am thinking, I don’t know what I am looking for. It is just a meaningless, spinning wheel without a machine attached, and that can be so irritatingly uncomfortable at times. I don’t feel that way all the time, though, and knowing that does help me to get through the days when I do.

But still… sometimes I wonder…
…what?

I feel an itch to think or act or learn or speak but I am not sure what about. Some days there are too many things to do or learn or say to even attempt to do them all, but sometimes I have that burning need to do something, and I just don't know what that something is.

So what does that mean? And what does it mean that on these particular days I just have to wait it out until I feel comfortable again? I fill that time with whatever I can find, but it does not satisfy me. I just have to wait until the edginess wears off and I feel in line with myself again.

What does that mean? And what is it that I wonder? I wonder that. But that is not an answer. Or rather, that is not the answer. But what is? And what the hell is my question?

Why is it that I feel so uncomfortable? And how will I ever know the answer if I don’t even know the question? What is it I am looking for? Will I ever know?

I wonder... what? What? What is it that I wonder? What??

Bipolar / Manic / Depression / ADHD Blog Beginnings... Well, here goes.

2007-10-26T17:24:00.000+09:00

My first post. My first blog ever, really.

I am not sure what triggered it, but I needed a place to vent, muse, collect information, store helpful tips... And so here we find ourselves. I have absolutely no idea whether this will remain my own private littering ground for the ramblings of my mind, or whether I will eventually grow this blog into something that may be helpful to others, but I do hope it is the latter.

I suppose that the usual way of going about this would be to introduce myself. But I'm not really in the mood today, so I'll leave that for another day. Today I will just say hello.

----- Current Medication and Mood-Meter Reading -----
Anxious, agitated, worried, a bit sad... I didn't forget to take my Zoloft this morning, and I already took my nighttime Zyprexa and Klonopin a while ago. Perhaps the jitters have calmed just a bit, but I am still feeling uneasy and uncomfortable in my own skin. (I am back on the Zyprexa. I hate how it makes me sleep for 10-12hrs straight, but I have to admit it does usually slow the mind enough to sleep. A last resort when sleeping pills don't work. I still don't like it though. But anyway. More on that another time.)
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