I suppose my taking long breaks from this blog is kind of like my procrastination on other projects. I want to add something helpful, to say something profound... so I put this off, figuring I'll write something perfect someday... but if I keep waiting and waiting until the time 'feels right' I might be waiting forever... So never mind. I will just write.
I am still prescription drug free. Still off the anti-depressants and things like that. Been a couple of months. I plan to stay off of them as well. It's not like I am any more in control of my life exactly, but I do feel more free. I know that if I ever get back to my worst I will see a doctor without a doubt, but right now... I think I can handle it.
There are lots of issues in my life at the moment that I am trying to figure out how to deal with. But I think I will be able to deal with them. It won't be easy. Not at all. And I still often do want to drown out the issues and accompanying thoughts with booze or drugs or something else... but I'm also tired of letting issues just sit there as they have, festering away and staining the rug for years on end (if that makes any sense at all... that's just how I visualize it). I don't want to push it all away with substances anymore - prescription or otherwise - so I can pretend everything is fine and that I don't care. I have feelings because I am human, and that is okay. And my emotions do have reason.
On another positive note, It has also been 4 months or so since I quit cigs. Not bad huh? I am happy about that. I smoked because it gave me a break of sorts, was a kind of reward to myself, and it just gave me something to ingest, to fill my lungs with. That might sound weird, but I liked the way it would sting just enough to make me feel it was dOing something. Hard to explain. I still miss having that something to turn to on occasion, but I don't miss cigarettes tooo much. Sometimes I do. But mostly I'm happy to not want that 'something' to give me a quick jolt as much as I used to. I no longer get antsy at such regular intervals, which is great. Some entire days are still heavy with difficult thoughts, but I haven't needed to use cigarettes as a way to split my mind and ease concentration on a single topic. Nicotine really is bad for you if you're trying to get control over your mental state. The craving for a puff, however small, affects a person mentally as well as physically. I realize now it affected me more than I should really have let it, considering I have enough chemical instability to deal with as is.
Nothing profound to say today. Just an update. And a couple of paragraphs in which I allow myself to be proud of what I've accomplished. A good thing I suppose, considering many days I feel like I've accomplished nothing at all...