Thursday, May 22, 2008

Dammit, Manic.

aahhHH i can't slow down!!! where are the brakes when you need em

Manic, dammit.

uhh I might be kind of manic right now. Can't sleep, can't stop working, can't stop getting back in touch w people, sending emails etc... I'm mAking myself take breaks by watching a DVD or reading a book for chunks of time when i start whirling away, but I keep finding myself moving back towards work-oriented reading. International taxation, legal matters, bla bla bla. I want to rest my brain...

And now I'm here writing, wondering if I'm gonna find myself going a bit overboard or not. This may in fact be my first hypomanic episode since I've stopped taking meds. I suppose it's been quite a while, which might be indicative that the meds tipped me up out of depression directly into hypo/mania more often than it needed to. Or it could just be that my cycle is changing. Or.. whatever.. it doesn't really matter, as long as I can stablize this.

I've avoided stimulants over the last couple of wks as much as possible. Kind of felt that they wouldn't be good for me in this state (though yes, yes, they're not good for me anyway). I felt kind of restless, uneasy, unstable.. and now I do feel a bit hyped up as if I'd hug strangers in the street but feel really weird about it afterwards. Dammit. And I thought -- or hoped -- that maybe this bipolar stuff just maybe, maybe, was meds-induced. Turns out my old doc had made a correct prognosis after all. I guess I knew that was the case, but had a few months to hope otherwise.

My thoughts are spewing out on paper in splatters and globs.

Chill, M., chiiilll... relax... sleep...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

What Depression Is.

I found some writing from way back when. Thought I would share. Because, well, why not.

My brain is turning on so many things – not all of them pleasant, mind you – but it is so much better than it turning on nothing, or even worse, it turning on turning on nothing.

I suppose the best way of explaining both a manic and/or depressive episode is by comparing it to a swirling pen. A pen to paper that just draws circles and shapes and continues to do so until the scribbles overlap and blend into a blotchy mess of deeply sunken ink as unidentifiable (or un-understandable) as a black hole with its immense gravity just sucking in brain matter from every which way.

On some occasions, you find yourself going over one single topic so many, many times in your head that whatever portion of your brain is responsible for rational thinking just fades away in the distance. At these times, you might finally conclude that you’ve got it figured out, or you might console (or berate) yourself with the full-fledged belief in the idea that you have covered the topic from every possible angle. Then tomorrow perhaps you pick up where you left off, and continue to think incessantly about that single topic some more.

And this, of course, is only the case if you are lucky enough to get to sleep or take a short break from the obsessive thought in the first place. Sometimes you really just can’t, and you stay on that same channel of loud, drowning and obnoxious static noise for what seems longer than a lifetime.

Sometimes it follows you into your dreams, and even in sleep you remain as possessed as when you were awake. Now this is when it’s really hell.

At its worst, this is what depression feels like. Actually, scratch that.

This is what depression is.

And wait: we haven’t even gotten to the kicker yet. The real kicker – what makes this mental state so detrimental and potentially dangerous to your very being – is that during all that time you spent churning over this idea, you were going over it in the exact same way. Like a robot. A single thought was played over and over in your head like a broken record.

You know that conclusion you thought you came up with? You were wrong. Your verdict, your surety was not based on any real contemplation at all. Because you already “knew” or rather decided on the answer before you even started. Nothing would have changed your mind. Because frankly speaking, you had only looked at the problem from one single, measly, obsessively and fundamentally limited angle.

It is a sick trick that our brains play upon us. It fools us. And we believe what it is telling us with all our might. We become so involved and possessed by these thoughts that are so undeniably biased towards negativity. We could not possibly be pulled away from that force. At no point could we step back, when we desperately needed to, to see that which in normal circumstances should and could be plainly understood; your brain has been digging itself rigorously into a hole getting deeper by the second. Repetition, repetition, repetition.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Mood a bit wobbly today

Life is good, generally speaking. Everything seems to be going pretty well. Right now though, I feel some slight fear, sadness, cloudiness... I'm not sure why. Been having bad dreams that bug me a bit. I am off to sleep again now, in fact. Need to get some rest before I have to be somewhere an hour and a half away tomorrow. I guess I just felt like saying this to someone. That I'm scared and sad. But I will be okay. Well, good night.