Friday, February 22, 2013

Self-harm and pregnancy

This is turning into a really depressing set of postings! One day soon I hope I can offer more advice on how I cured myself and made it through this tough time, but for now I keep turning here when I have nowhere else to turn...

For the last 48 hours I keep wishing I could hold a knife up to my arm, cut it ever so slightly, and watch the blood ooze out and feel the sting. It's the soothing pain I want most.

But I don't want to accidentally really hurt myself, or cause an infection, because I don't want to do anything too unsafe for the baby. Isn't this a sign that something is wrong with me though, feeling this way?  I keep picturing that knife and how much of a relief it would be to just cut myself a little..  just a little. Don't want to kill myself or anything like that.

Oh how depressing am I!  I hope things turn up soon.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

10 weeks along.

I thought I was doing a bit better. Not a whole lot but just enough to have some days during which I didn't cry.

Back in the slumps today though. Perhaps just cranky because it has been a long day with little rest and little help it feels, or just cranky for no reason at all.

Like Snakes and Ladders.  Move forward 5 spaces. Move back 3.  Move forward 2 spaces. Move back 4.

1 week from now I get to see my first proper ultrasound. There has been a bit of a break between gyno visits so I'm a bit worried, hoping my baby is still doing okay.  Can't wait until I reach the second trimester...  4 more weeks.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Depression during pregnancy - first trimester , fallen.

Well, I've fallen.
I've been crying all day today. At home, on the streets, in the elevator, at the pharmacy, at the doctor's. Even so, I think I am better than I was two weeks ago but I am not sure.

I want so desperately to go back on my meds, to feel normal again... the doctor told me today to hold on a little longer if I could. That I will have more options once I get through my first trimester. But also not to hesitate and to call him if things get too rough.

I wanted to scream that things were already too rough but instead I just got teary and nodded and said thank you. He reminded me that kids are cute, I think to make me think of the good things to come, and I nodded again and spilled a tear as I fumbled with my phone to put our next appointment time into my calendar.

I cried some more as I paid and left the clinic, and cried again as I picked up my herbal remedies and vitamins from the pharmacy... this stupid prescription that seems to be a waste of my time and the water it takes to swallow it with...

My husband came home early today and for dinner we ate Subway sandwiches that I picked up on the way home, because I knew that the effort it took to stand in line and speak to the people behind the counter would be as much effort as I could muster towards our evening meal tonight.

We discussed bilingual education for our unborn child and the fact that private school would most likely be beyond our budget range, ate strawberry ice cream, and then he returned to the study to continue his work and I retired to the sofa to read.

I've been reading "The Noonday Demon" by Andrew Solomon for the first time and am finding it quite helpful and grounding. This past weekend I finally pulled myself together for long enough to actually purchase a few books on Amazon, which was amazing mostly for that feeling of being interested in anything long enough to act upon it in any way.

I hate that I can call that progress. The feat of actually getting dressed and going outside three days in a row including today is also progress, and I hate that too. I hate the way I feel, and I hate that the terrible thought that I don't like being alive crossed my mind today. I am safe because somewhere else in my clouded mind I know that I am blessed, but catching and having to retract my thoughts after those brief moments of weakness always shakes me to my core. I also hate that I have no good reasons to pin this relapse on besides that perhaps I stopped taking my meds a little too early. Life changes? Only good changes really. How weak am I.

I am angry that I am depressed, and am angry at myself for feeling this way because I really shouldn't have anything to complain about. I am blessed with a loving family, husband, friends, a comfortable roof over my head and food in the fridge. And a baby on the way. I don't even deserve this self-pity.

I have a baby on the way. A baby.
I need to be stronger than this.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Some progress is better than no progress.
I think I'm progressing.
I'm not sure but I think I am.

That will have to be good enough for today.

Good night, quiet world.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Pregnancy and Bipolar Depression - sleep

Well that was quick.
I'm pregnant!

And as delightfully happy as I am, I've also already been crying and having trouble sleeping and struggling to hold onto that thread unraveling that keeps the world in place and me within it.

Off my meds officially now except for a prescription of herbs and vitamins and 3 cups of milk a day. My husband will be visiting the doctor with me tomorrow as the doc wants to talk with him too.

I finally cried myself to sleep today for an evening nap, which was a pleasure upon waking, floating in that joyous sleepy feeling I missed so much when I couldn't sleep these last days. The simplicity of feeling sleepy..  just feels so good I almost want to stay in that state and drift in and out of sleep for ages.

I think I'll have better dreams today along with better sleep.
Ah the joys of these simple things.
Shouldn't forget how good this feels, it almost feels normal!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Pre-pregnancy and Bipolar

I recently got married. Prior to the wedding, due to a lapse likely due to family and work pressures I started back on medication after 4 or 5 years off.  Now I am back on meds after catching myself on a downward spiral and am very very happily married and working 6-8 hours a day at my job instead of 12-18+ with the support of all around me.

 The doctor had put me on Lexapro for anxiety, Abilify for bipolar, Klonopin to help me sleep through the night, another hormonal sleep regulation med (similar to melatonin but more focused and better for you, he says) I forget the name of, and Biperiden to deal with the restless side effects of Abilify. Also some herbal supplements for anxiety.

 I was afraid to get on drugs again but found myself amazed at Abilify for the stability it brought me with minimal mental side effects (I had taken Depakene before and felt like a zombie).

As my husband and I are trying to conceive we've now weaned off the Abilify and Biperiden, and the plan is to eventually stop all drugs altogether except for the herbal supplements as they are safe during pregnancy.

So I am back on track to eventually treating this without meds but slightly afraid. I've become a bit moodier but am trying to control any ups and downs on my own. Still have a ways to go but I'm hoping I can do it. We're not certain yet whether I'll be able to wean off all although that is the ideal situation, but I am gonna try! I hope I can do it.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Handling bipolar off meds ..2yrs along, and still on the train

Well. On occasion I have come back to this site to see if I had an urge to pick it up again. That perfect urge never hit, just as the perfect timing to work on anything I'm procrastinating on has never hit...

But if I've learned anything these last couple of years, it's that you can't just keep putting everything off in anticipation of a perfect time. In some words of wise advice I heard recently, it's like waiting for an almighty express train to one day show up and meanwhile letting all the local ones pass you by. If you'd just get on a train, you will arrive at your destination--but instead you find yourself stuck on the platform, irritated, worried, waiting some more.

I like to add to that.. a thought that reminded me of something Nietzsche once said (although I'll save that for another day).

I'll add to that--besides: you never know when you'll change directions. And if you don't move, you can't change, nor can you actually explore your options. You often won't know which stops you'll want to change trains at, or when you'll find a sudden reason to get off and explore a particular neighborhood.. until you're at least on board.

Anyway, it occurred to me that I should start this up again.
And why not.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Dammit, Manic.

aahhHH i can't slow down!!! where are the brakes when you need em