Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if…
…what? I don’t know how I would finish that sentence, but I do know that the beginning of that sentence churns around in my head more often than I’d like it to. It is a question without a question. Not a statement, not a query – it is nothing more than the beginning of… what?
I don’t think I would live life any differently if I were to go through it again, despite the uncomfortable and trying periods I have been through. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Not to say that life is currently perfect, nor do I expect it to be, but it could have been a lot worse. And that is not the only reason I believe I would follow the same paths that brought me here if I were given the choice again.
I don’t know. I don’t know what I am asking, I don’t know what I am thinking, I don’t know what I am looking for. It is just a meaningless, spinning wheel without a machine attached, and that can be so irritatingly uncomfortable at times. I don’t feel that way all the time, though, and knowing that does help me to get through the days when I do.
But still… sometimes I wonder…
I feel an itch to think or act or learn or speak but I am not sure what about. Some days there are too many things to do or learn or say to even attempt to do them all, but sometimes I have that burning need to do something, and I just don't know what that something is.
So what does that mean? And what does it mean that on these particular days I just have to wait it out until I feel comfortable again? I fill that time with whatever I can find, but it does not satisfy me. I just have to wait until the edginess wears off and I feel in line with myself again.
What does that mean? And what is it that I wonder? I wonder that. But that is not an answer. Or rather, that is not the answer. But what is? And what the hell is my question?
Why is it that I feel so uncomfortable? And how will I ever know the answer if I don’t even know the question? What is it I am looking for? Will I ever know?
I wonder... what? What? What is it that I wonder? What??