Well that was quick.
I'm pregnant!
And as delightfully happy as I am, I've also already been crying and having trouble sleeping and struggling to hold onto that thread unraveling that keeps the world in place and me within it.
Off my meds officially now except for a prescription of herbs and vitamins and 3 cups of milk a day. My husband will be visiting the doctor with me tomorrow as the doc wants to talk with him too.
I finally cried myself to sleep today for an evening nap, which was a pleasure upon waking, floating in that joyous sleepy feeling I missed so much when I couldn't sleep these last days. The simplicity of feeling sleepy.. just feels so good I almost want to stay in that state and drift in and out of sleep for ages.
I think I'll have better dreams today along with better sleep.
Ah the joys of these simple things.
Shouldn't forget how good this feels, it almost feels normal!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Pre-pregnancy and Bipolar
I recently got married. Prior to the wedding, due to a lapse likely due to family and work pressures I started back on medication after 4 or 5 years off. Now I am back on meds after catching myself on a downward spiral and am very very happily married and working 6-8 hours a day at my job instead of 12-18+ with the support of all around me.
The doctor had put me on Lexapro for anxiety, Abilify for bipolar, Klonopin to help me sleep through the night, another hormonal sleep regulation med (similar to melatonin but more focused and better for you, he says) I forget the name of, and Biperiden to deal with the restless side effects of Abilify. Also some herbal supplements for anxiety.
I was afraid to get on drugs again but found myself amazed at Abilify for the stability it brought me with minimal mental side effects (I had taken Depakene before and felt like a zombie).
As my husband and I are trying to conceive we've now weaned off the Abilify and Biperiden, and the plan is to eventually stop all drugs altogether except for the herbal supplements as they are safe during pregnancy.
So I am back on track to eventually treating this without meds but slightly afraid. I've become a bit moodier but am trying to control any ups and downs on my own. Still have a ways to go but I'm hoping I can do it. We're not certain yet whether I'll be able to wean off all although that is the ideal situation, but I am gonna try! I hope I can do it.
The doctor had put me on Lexapro for anxiety, Abilify for bipolar, Klonopin to help me sleep through the night, another hormonal sleep regulation med (similar to melatonin but more focused and better for you, he says) I forget the name of, and Biperiden to deal with the restless side effects of Abilify. Also some herbal supplements for anxiety.
I was afraid to get on drugs again but found myself amazed at Abilify for the stability it brought me with minimal mental side effects (I had taken Depakene before and felt like a zombie).
As my husband and I are trying to conceive we've now weaned off the Abilify and Biperiden, and the plan is to eventually stop all drugs altogether except for the herbal supplements as they are safe during pregnancy.
So I am back on track to eventually treating this without meds but slightly afraid. I've become a bit moodier but am trying to control any ups and downs on my own. Still have a ways to go but I'm hoping I can do it. We're not certain yet whether I'll be able to wean off all although that is the ideal situation, but I am gonna try! I hope I can do it.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Handling bipolar off meds ..2yrs along, and still on the train
Well. On occasion I have come back to this site to see if I had an urge to pick it up again. That perfect urge never hit, just as the perfect timing to work on anything I'm procrastinating on has never hit...
But if I've learned anything these last couple of years, it's that you can't just keep putting everything off in anticipation of a perfect time. In some words of wise advice I heard recently, it's like waiting for an almighty express train to one day show up and meanwhile letting all the local ones pass you by. If you'd just get on a train, you will arrive at your destination--but instead you find yourself stuck on the platform, irritated, worried, waiting some more.
I like to add to that.. a thought that reminded me of something Nietzsche once said (although I'll save that for another day).
I'll add to that--besides: you never know when you'll change directions. And if you don't move, you can't change, nor can you actually explore your options. You often won't know which stops you'll want to change trains at, or when you'll find a sudden reason to get off and explore a particular neighborhood.. until you're at least on board.
Anyway, it occurred to me that I should start this up again.
And why not.
But if I've learned anything these last couple of years, it's that you can't just keep putting everything off in anticipation of a perfect time. In some words of wise advice I heard recently, it's like waiting for an almighty express train to one day show up and meanwhile letting all the local ones pass you by. If you'd just get on a train, you will arrive at your destination--but instead you find yourself stuck on the platform, irritated, worried, waiting some more.
I like to add to that.. a thought that reminded me of something Nietzsche once said (although I'll save that for another day).
I'll add to that--besides: you never know when you'll change directions. And if you don't move, you can't change, nor can you actually explore your options. You often won't know which stops you'll want to change trains at, or when you'll find a sudden reason to get off and explore a particular neighborhood.. until you're at least on board.
Anyway, it occurred to me that I should start this up again.
And why not.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Manic, dammit.
uhh I might be kind of manic right now. Can't sleep, can't stop working, can't stop getting back in touch w people, sending emails etc... I'm mAking myself take breaks by watching a DVD or reading a book for chunks of time when i start whirling away, but I keep finding myself moving back towards work-oriented reading. International taxation, legal matters, bla bla bla. I want to rest my brain...
And now I'm here writing, wondering if I'm gonna find myself going a bit overboard or not. This may in fact be my first hypomanic episode since I've stopped taking meds. I suppose it's been quite a while, which might be indicative that the meds tipped me up out of depression directly into hypo/mania more often than it needed to. Or it could just be that my cycle is changing. Or.. whatever.. it doesn't really matter, as long as I can stablize this.
I've avoided stimulants over the last couple of wks as much as possible. Kind of felt that they wouldn't be good for me in this state (though yes, yes, they're not good for me anyway). I felt kind of restless, uneasy, unstable.. and now I do feel a bit hyped up as if I'd hug strangers in the street but feel really weird about it afterwards. Dammit. And I thought -- or hoped -- that maybe this bipolar stuff just maybe, maybe, was meds-induced. Turns out my old doc had made a correct prognosis after all. I guess I knew that was the case, but had a few months to hope otherwise.
My thoughts are spewing out on paper in splatters and globs.
Chill, M., chiiilll... relax... sleep...
And now I'm here writing, wondering if I'm gonna find myself going a bit overboard or not. This may in fact be my first hypomanic episode since I've stopped taking meds. I suppose it's been quite a while, which might be indicative that the meds tipped me up out of depression directly into hypo/mania more often than it needed to. Or it could just be that my cycle is changing. Or.. whatever.. it doesn't really matter, as long as I can stablize this.
I've avoided stimulants over the last couple of wks as much as possible. Kind of felt that they wouldn't be good for me in this state (though yes, yes, they're not good for me anyway). I felt kind of restless, uneasy, unstable.. and now I do feel a bit hyped up as if I'd hug strangers in the street but feel really weird about it afterwards. Dammit. And I thought -- or hoped -- that maybe this bipolar stuff just maybe, maybe, was meds-induced. Turns out my old doc had made a correct prognosis after all. I guess I knew that was the case, but had a few months to hope otherwise.
My thoughts are spewing out on paper in splatters and globs.
Chill, M., chiiilll... relax... sleep...
Thursday, May 15, 2008
What Depression Is.
I found some writing from way back when. Thought I would share. Because, well, why not.
---------------------
My brain is turning on so many things – not all of them pleasant, mind you – but it is so much better than it turning on nothing, or even worse, it turning on turning on nothing.
I suppose the best way of explaining both a manic and/or depressive episode is by comparing it to a swirling pen. A pen to paper that just draws circles and shapes and continues to do so until the scribbles overlap and blend into a blotchy mess of deeply sunken ink as unidentifiable (or un-understandable) as a black hole with its immense gravity just sucking in brain matter from every which way.
On some occasions, you find yourself going over one single topic so many, many times in your head that whatever portion of your brain is responsible for rational thinking just fades away in the distance. At these times, you might finally conclude that you’ve got it figured out, or you might console (or berate) yourself with the full-fledged belief in the idea that you have covered the topic from every possible angle. Then tomorrow perhaps you pick up where you left off, and continue to think incessantly about that single topic some more.
And this, of course, is only the case if you are lucky enough to get to sleep or take a short break from the obsessive thought in the first place. Sometimes you really just can’t, and you stay on that same channel of loud, drowning and obnoxious static noise for what seems longer than a lifetime.
Sometimes it follows you into your dreams, and even in sleep you remain as possessed as when you were awake. Now this is when it’s really hell.
At its worst, this is what depression feels like. Actually, scratch that.
This is what depression is.
And wait: we haven’t even gotten to the kicker yet. The real kicker – what makes this mental state so detrimental and potentially dangerous to your very being – is that during all that time you spent churning over this idea, you were going over it in the exact same way. Like a robot. A single thought was played over and over in your head like a broken record.
You know that conclusion you thought you came up with? You were wrong. Your verdict, your surety was not based on any real contemplation at all. Because you already “knew” or rather decided on the answer before you even started. Nothing would have changed your mind. Because frankly speaking, you had only looked at the problem from one single, measly, obsessively and fundamentally limited angle.
It is a sick trick that our brains play upon us. It fools us. And we believe what it is telling us with all our might. We become so involved and possessed by these thoughts that are so undeniably biased towards negativity. We could not possibly be pulled away from that force. At no point could we step back, when we desperately needed to, to see that which in normal circumstances should and could be plainly understood; your brain has been digging itself rigorously into a hole getting deeper by the second. Repetition, repetition, repetition.
---------------------
My brain is turning on so many things – not all of them pleasant, mind you – but it is so much better than it turning on nothing, or even worse, it turning on turning on nothing.
I suppose the best way of explaining both a manic and/or depressive episode is by comparing it to a swirling pen. A pen to paper that just draws circles and shapes and continues to do so until the scribbles overlap and blend into a blotchy mess of deeply sunken ink as unidentifiable (or un-understandable) as a black hole with its immense gravity just sucking in brain matter from every which way.
On some occasions, you find yourself going over one single topic so many, many times in your head that whatever portion of your brain is responsible for rational thinking just fades away in the distance. At these times, you might finally conclude that you’ve got it figured out, or you might console (or berate) yourself with the full-fledged belief in the idea that you have covered the topic from every possible angle. Then tomorrow perhaps you pick up where you left off, and continue to think incessantly about that single topic some more.
And this, of course, is only the case if you are lucky enough to get to sleep or take a short break from the obsessive thought in the first place. Sometimes you really just can’t, and you stay on that same channel of loud, drowning and obnoxious static noise for what seems longer than a lifetime.
Sometimes it follows you into your dreams, and even in sleep you remain as possessed as when you were awake. Now this is when it’s really hell.
At its worst, this is what depression feels like. Actually, scratch that.
This is what depression is.
And wait: we haven’t even gotten to the kicker yet. The real kicker – what makes this mental state so detrimental and potentially dangerous to your very being – is that during all that time you spent churning over this idea, you were going over it in the exact same way. Like a robot. A single thought was played over and over in your head like a broken record.
You know that conclusion you thought you came up with? You were wrong. Your verdict, your surety was not based on any real contemplation at all. Because you already “knew” or rather decided on the answer before you even started. Nothing would have changed your mind. Because frankly speaking, you had only looked at the problem from one single, measly, obsessively and fundamentally limited angle.
It is a sick trick that our brains play upon us. It fools us. And we believe what it is telling us with all our might. We become so involved and possessed by these thoughts that are so undeniably biased towards negativity. We could not possibly be pulled away from that force. At no point could we step back, when we desperately needed to, to see that which in normal circumstances should and could be plainly understood; your brain has been digging itself rigorously into a hole getting deeper by the second. Repetition, repetition, repetition.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Mood a bit wobbly today
Life is good, generally speaking. Everything seems to be going pretty well. Right now though, I feel some slight fear, sadness, cloudiness... I'm not sure why. Been having bad dreams that bug me a bit. I am off to sleep again now, in fact. Need to get some rest before I have to be somewhere an hour and a half away tomorrow. I guess I just felt like saying this to someone. That I'm scared and sad. But I will be okay. Well, good night.
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